Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize