i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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