Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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