This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
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i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
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Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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