Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
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how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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