Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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