you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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