he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
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She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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