Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
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You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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