You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
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Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
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We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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