Swine flu. Run for my life!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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