I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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