Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
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Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
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I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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