Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Where did you get a picture of my penis
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize