how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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