Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
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To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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