I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
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I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
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Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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