What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize