Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
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