i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
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screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
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I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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