My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
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She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
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Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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