dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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