If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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