The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
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Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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