my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
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Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
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I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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