He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
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I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
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Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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