Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Pants are for mortals
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
