haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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