I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
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Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
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You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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