Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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