I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
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And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
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When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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