we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
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He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
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Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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