I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize