you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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