my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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