This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
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I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
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It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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