Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
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The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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