You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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