If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize