I haven't been this sober since birth.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
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You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
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I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize