he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
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Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
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If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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