just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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