Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
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In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
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So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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