I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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