We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
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Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
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Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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