He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
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The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
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I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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