So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
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Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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