i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
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Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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