literally had 100 drinks last night.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
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I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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