Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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