I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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